Kate Evans: Blog

So many of us worry, worry, worry and fear the worst when we try to commit ourselves to something that it becomes hard to truly commit... What if it doesn't work? What if I get hurt? What if I get destroyed?

And then when something bad does happen, it can show us: Hey. Look at this. I'm still here. Arms, legs, hands, fingers, toes... all intact. I'm bruised pretty badly, but I'm still here.

I may regret some things in my life, but I will never regret having opened my heart and tried my best, imperfect though it may have been.

I'll never stop trying. Never.

...it's been a little quiet around the blog; I think I just saw a tumbleweed roll by.

So I thought I'd say hi.

Did you listen to that "Wicked Game" cover yet? You really should.

Anyway, here's some of what I've been doing these past weeks:
-Living in the sea in Roatan for 10 days and wishing I could stay. Hopefully I'll tell you more about that at some point. It was so lovely.

-Being thrilled at how things are coming together for the album. I'll definitely be telling you more about this soon. Very exciting stuff happening!

-Trying to help my poor confused brain not be so confused through a variety of kooky and not-as-kooky methods

-Getting substantially more sleep than I'd been getting the past few months. This has helped immeasurably! Huh.

-Ummmm, and some other stuff. That's enough for now.

That doesn't sound so exciting when I read it back, but it's actually been good! Especially the sleep part. Mmmmm, sleep.

Anyway, more more more soon! Especially about the fishes! And the album!

Love,

Kate

It is a cover of Chris Isaac's "Wicked Game" by an obscure Swiss band called Les Reines Prochaines.

I do a nice cover of this tune, but it pales--PALES--in comparison to this one.

It is awesome.

I think that by clicking the link, it will automatically start downloading the MP3 so you can hear it. So you have to commit. And you really have to listen all the way through to get the full picture.

Do it. Really.

http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/LG/Les_Reines_Prochaines/Les_Reines_Prochaines_-_Opfer_Dieses_Liedes.mp3

xoxoK

...on that gerbil wheel, girl?

I did it again.

Those who know me well are aware that I go through periods where I take on absolutely ridiculous and impossible tasks and nearly run myself into the ground. I disappear, I don't return calls, I rarely emerge from my office. I hold it together; I continue to do good work, but it isn't a pleasant experience.

Am I running away from something? Running toward something? Just a really bad time manager? Have some deep-seated psychological need to demonstrate?

Eh. Who knows?

All I know is that I do it. Not infrequently. It's a long-standing pattern. And I think I've lost 5 full nights of sleep in the last 2 or 3 weeks just keeping up with deadlines.

I took a break at 3 am the other night to color my hair, because it was 3 different (and bad) colors, and it was the only time I could find to do it.

And as I was looking in the mirror, it occurred to me...

It is 3 in the morning. And I am DYEING MY HAIR. This. Is. Not. Normal.

I mean, who dyes their hair at 3 am? Speed freaks! Lunatics! Crazy people!

The people at the Quik Chek down the street where I get my life blood--err, I mean, coffee--are starting to call me by name, and look at me with something resembling pity when I stumble in bleary-eyed for my caffeine fix.

But the good news is that I'm *this* close to being CAUGHT UP. CAUGHT UP!!!! And I'm going away for 10 whole days to dive in the beautiful waters of Roatan, Honduras. I'm going to dive, eat tropical fruit, drink alcoholic beverages, lie around naked in the sun, and sleep. And that's it.

OK, I might also play with some giant iguanas. And fly through the jungle on a zip line. But that's really it!!

OK, I might also go on a submarine to 2,000 feet below the water's surface. And I might hike up a small mountain.

But seriously! THAT'S ALL!!

Things are still moving forward with the album, and I am so excited. Stay tuned in this space for more details, and if you will, think good thoughts for me on this project. I want to make it great, and your energy will help me do that!

Love and big colorful fishes,

Kate

... that I recorded to prepare for getting the album together. And I'd like to post some of them here, but I must be the least technologically adept person in the world, because I can't seem to convert them to MP3s and then find them again.

While I'm working out that small snag, you can hear a few of 'em on my MySpace page, so go have a listen if you like! I'm at www.myspace.com/kateevans

And don't laugh at me too hard for the no-MP3 thing; it's been a long week! :)

Love,

Kate

I think inside my brain it's something like this today:



Wooooooooaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!

I don't know whether it's like this for everyone, but sometimes I go through periods where it feels like I'm submerged underwater. Everything requires so much more effort, even just day-to-day things like working and exercising. Communication becomes extra-difficult, and everything feels like it's just a little bit off-kilter.

There have been times when I've had so much trouble working through those periods--I suppose because I had little faith that there would be anything better on the other side.

I had a tough December. Part of January, too. Everything was a struggle. But I kept working, doing my best, telling myself that it would get better if I just kept taking care of my business.

And funny thing: I came out the other side, and it's like bursting into the sunlight again. I can breathe easily. Things are happening organically. I'm still working really hard, but it feels like things have snapped back into place. And I can see how amazing my life really is. (Pretty amazing, really.)

I love these times. I don't expect that it will always feel this way, but I'll ride the wave as long as I can and remember how this felt next time it gets more difficult.

So here's the thing, people: I was running my yap about a year ago about making a new album, and I didn't do anything about it.

But I am now.

First recording session is this coming week; I'll be making pre-production piano demos. There are plans. There is energy. There are songs that I really like. And I'm so excited.

I hope you will be too.

I also hope that life is flowing easily for you, and if it isn't, just remember that it will feel better. Probably soon.

Love,

Kate

...the ever-popular post on search terms--the ones that led people to my site.

Recent faves:
--funny stress balls
--gorgeous amputee (always popular, who knew?)
--mark bradley the gold around you (NICE)
--rock climbing woman (sweet!)
--we go in hard and come out wet (hmmmmm)
--strangulation (ah, yup)
--lyrics she came home just long time struggle she fluffy her dreams all she wanted was to make you proud (huh)
--i've been growing up creepie lyrics
--kate jello wrasslin (woo hoo)

My newest are here: http://www.kateweb.com/music-28.html

I've been noticing the last few weeks that I've got some signature mood songs going.

In my dark moods, I can sniffle and nod petulantly along with Shawn Colvin when she sings "In a Matter of Minutes."

You can call me crazy
But you know this time I swore that I wouldn't run
But I can't do that anymore

I can't find a way to stay
I can't see my way to go
I can't give up without a fight

I can pack myself up in a matter of minutes, leave you all far behind
And all of my old world and all the things in it are hard to find
If they ever were mine

You've been trying and I know it's been hard and I'm afraid of all this blood in my heart
If there's one thing certain it's there ain't nothing for sure
And I want to run but I can't do that anymore

But I can't meet you halfway and I can't have it my way and I can't give up without a fight

Sigh. Yeah, it's a good one for all those "I don't need you people anyway!" moods. (Which is always a lie, of course. Dammit.)

And then when I'm feeling philosophical, it's gotta be Regina Spektor's "On the Radio," to which I nod my head vigorously because she is a strange and sprightly savant who knows how to sum it all up so that it makes sense to me, if only for a moment.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio

YEAH! Try to love the things you took.

And then, for any mood... there is Mr. Frederick Hibbert. And there's light inside that voice; he makes your feet strike the ground more softly, makes you dance while you're washing the dishes, makes you feel some peace inside you. God bless him.

Everybody, give it to me huh
Hey Hey Hey
I want you to believe every word I say
I want you to believe every thing I do
I said music is what I've got to give
and I've got to find some way to make it
Music is what I've got baby
I want you to come on and shake it
shake it shake it baby
oh yeah hey
na na na...
oh yeah..na na na

Funky Kingston, is what I've got for you
oh yeah
Funky Kingston, yeah is what I've got for you
Funky Kingston
oh yeah

Lemme hear your funky guitar
yo reggae
hear the piano, stick it to me

watch me now
you watch me now
Playing from east to west yeah
I just play from north to south, yeah
I love black America
people keep on asking me for
Funky Kingston
But I ain't got none
somebody take it away from me

Music is what I've got to give and I've got to find some way to make it. Sing it, Toots.

Love, K

Hey, peeps...

Guess that last post was a bit dark; thanks to those who wrote to express concern, but I'm ok.

Sometimes I suppose you just have to sit and hold that cosmic AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE in your hands for a while before you can find a way to put it down.

But I did, and now I feel much better.

Sorry the news has been a bit light here; lots going on but not much I've felt like sharing. But thanks to all who came out to the Goat gig a couple of weeks ago. It is a really cool venue and I look forward to returning. I was happy to debut a new tune that night; it had been too long since I'd done that.

There are a couple of neat musical things happening behind the scenes, I'm working a lot, and I'm trying to take good care of myself and my brood. That feels satisfying for now.

Hope you are all enjoying the new year and staying warm!

Love,

Kate

I went for a run

And for once, I wanted to run
cut and run
wanted to run away from everything and everyone
everything I am that I can’t stop being

And I was sure that my frustration and pain would propel me but instead my legs were made of clay
of steel
of lead and instead I plodded

But I did not stop

I ran anyway

As I started home I felt water hit my face, a drop here and a drop there

And I begged god to send down the rain and wash me away

I sat on the side of the road in front of my house and waited with my face turned up to heaven, mouth open so the rain could come down and purify me, sweep away the words I don’t want to say and clear away all that I wish I could stop being

But the rain never came, not really

God only spit on me, a drop here and a drop there

And I could not run away and I could not wash it off

There was no forgiveness, no absolution

I could only sit with myself
and hope to be better anyway

...I finally totally figured out the whole creepie-crawlie dream thing. Like, DUH.

I'll spare you the details, because you're all really smart and you probably figured it out anyway already because you know about Jung and other really smart stuff, but it's pretty good shit.

And Snakie is fine, and not desiccated at all, but she does like to hide most of the time and it's kind of like not having a snake at all except that once in a while I stick a dead mouse in the cage and then it disappears during the nighttime.

OK, that's all for now.

Love,

Kate

Happy November, peeps...

I'm still here, working away in the background. I'm doing some things. You'll hear about some of them soon.

One of the good things about taking up sporty-type stuff when you get older is that it gives you a whole new set of inspiring analogies to use in the rest of your life.

One thing I've learned lately through exploring my physical self is that while it's (relatively) easy to, say, go for a run or climb a gnarly problem at the rock gym or get on a bike and ride 20 miles on the days when you feel good, it's more important to do those things on the days when it's hard, on the days when you'd rather just crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head. Because there can be a lot of hard days, and you teach yourself how to either make more of them, or make more of the good ones, through what you do.

It's when the shit hits the fan that you can really see whether you're growing. I am teaching myself to work through the hard days, to take care of myself, to love better than I could before. And I am proud of myself. And it feels good.

I hope this day finds you feeling good about yourself too.

Love,

Kate

...I am still waking up in the middle of the night having escaped-creepie-crawly dreams.

Last night the variation was that I'd accidentally loosed a giant spider I'd been keeping at my bedside. This is starting to feel like a message. Weird message, but a message nonetheless.

But in any case, Snakie the ball python (when will she ever tell me her real name?) is settling in nicely, is eating defrosted dead mice like a champ, and has not yet managed to spring herself from her (dare I say rather swanky) enclosure.

What will it be tonight, wacky subconscious? I can't wait to see what you cook up next to awaken me at 4 am.

As we grow into adulthood, we learn certain lessons--some helpful, some not so helpful.

A lesson that's been hard-won for me is that I can say no to things that don't work for me--even when someone else may want them a lot. When I was coming up, that just wasn't on the menu of options. I did as others demanded. When I rebelled, it was generally inward and self-destructive.

It may have taken me a long time--35 years--but I am just now starting to get it that I am not morally required to suffer the things in my life that don't work for me. I can say no.

My amazing man said the most beautiful thing to me a couple of weeks ago. He said:
You are an entity.
You are a force.

He's right. I am.

I deserve to be safe. I deserve to feel secure. I deserve to say who comes and goes, in my house, in my body, in my spirit. I didn't always know that. But I know it now.

I'm Texas, baby. Don't. Tread. On. Me.

During aforementioned periods of work stress, I tend to like to procrastinate. A lot.

I *love* this site: http://icanhascheezburger.com. It has cute animal pictures and funny pidgin English, and never fails to make me laugh.

Here is an example of what you will find on the I Can Has Cheezburger? site. It is perfect.




Love,

Kate

I've been having this recurring dream, which I've had before--usually during times of high work stress (like now).

I sat up straight in my bed the other night in a panic, thinking that I hadn't been feeding or watering some vaguely remembered pet for, like, a month. But I couldn't remember who the pet was, or where it might be.

Scott very patiently said, "Is there something I can help you with?" And as my eyes flitted wildly around the room in my anxiety, I mumbled crazily about my pet lizard that doesn't have any water, and the cage used to be right here next to the bed, and where it is, and mffffppffffthhhhffffffff?!?! He kindly and patiently pointed out that I never *had* a lizard and everything was OK. But it took a while for me to believe him so that I could lie back down and go to sleep.

I am actually getting a pet snake next week. Whose temporary name, until I meet her, is Snakie. Hopefully she will fare better than my starved, desiccated dream lizard.



It's Snakie.

Love,

Kate

After a hiatus of several months, I recently started taking belly dance classes again with the fierce and beautiful Audie (http://www.bellyrhythm.com).

In class last weekend, she turned to me and said, "YOU are coming to my fusion belly dance show on Friday!" And so it was written. Because I always do as I am told!

(That's not true, but in this case I did.)

As Manar and I sat down and started reviewing the program for the show, it became clear to me why Audie insisted that I come: she was dancing to my song "Beautiful." And I have to say it was one of the coolest things to happen to my music in a long time. I might've shed a tear or two while nobody was looking.

Audie, you are the coolest! Thank you so much for bringing your gifts to my music.

Love,

Kate

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, Scott and I had the honor and privilege of traveling in Tanzania during the month of June.

I came home with about 3,000 photos, and even though that means my photos represent 3 million words according to the old adage, there is no way to adequately tell the story of our journey. I guess that's been part of the reason for my procrastination about writing/posting anything about it.

Simply put, it was awesome. That's an overused word, but it's used literally here.

One of the highlights of our trip was our 4-day trek up Mount Meru, which is the 2nd highest mountain in Tanzania after Mount Kilimanjaro (the highest peak in Africa). Meru is an active volcano that most recently erupted about a century ago. (There were 2 earthquakes while we were on the mountain, which I have to admit made me a little nervous.)

Mount Meru is the topographic centerpiece of Arusha National Park. Its slopes support a forest that hosts wildlife including elephants, cape buffalo, innumerable species of birds, monkeys, and big cats including leopards. For this reason, parties climbing Meru are required to travel with an armed ranger--which is both a little intimidating and, let's be real, kinda bad-ass.

I chose Meru because I assumed it would be an easier climb than Kilimanjaro and I had limited mountaineering experience. I might have done more research before drawing that conclusion. On our first day of the trek, I casually asked our guide/ranger Matthew, who'd climbed both mountains many times, how they compared.

"Well," he said thoughtfully, "anyone who climbs Meru can climb Kili. But not everyone who climbs Kili can climb Meru. This mountain is much steeper, and the summit day is much more difficult."

If I'd known what I was getting into ahead of time, I am pretty sure I would have bailed. Without question, this trek was the most difficult physical challenge I've ever encountered. Counting both directions, we covered 27 vertical miles in 4 days, and believe me when I tell you that's more than it sounds like.

After 2 arduous days of climbing reasonably passable but steep trails, the climbing on our summit day started at 2 am and it took us 12 hours round trip--including formidable rock scrambling, hiking up steep slopes covered with scree and volcanic ash, and generally terrifying terrain, all done in the dark during our ascent.

The summit had a bizarre and frustrating way of receding before our eyes; every time we thought our ascent was imminent, it would seem to move 500 meters further from our reach.

For large parts of our summit day, I made the climb 2 or 3 steps at a time. I could think no further ahead, so I didn't. I made a simple decision at some point: I would keep going unless I started throwing up, I felt like a had a burning dagger through my skull (both symptoms of acute mountain sickness), or my body simply could not go any further.

None of those things happened, in fact, and we did make the summit--one of the most joyful accomplishments of my life. When I set foot on the peak, I fell to my knees and wept, overwhelmed by relief, happiness, and the beauty of the whole experience.

I couldn't have made it up, and in fact wouldn't have wanted to, without 2 people: my dear man Scott, who couldn't have been more encouraging, and our guide and friend Matthew, who was masterful in setting the pace of the climb and was a wonderful companion, Swahili teacher, and playmate to boot. [MBOGO!]

An unforgettable experience, an unforgettable place. We were so fortunate to see this beautiful part of the planet.

Here are some photos from our expedition; I hope you'll enjoy seeing them as much as we enjoyed taking them:
http://www.kateweb.com/photos.html

More to come!

Love,

Kate

Oh, Lordy.

Every time I promise I’ll write more ‘in a couple of days,’ I wind up disappointing miserably. Will I ever learn to stop saying things like that?

Maybe not.

But it’s part of my charm, the naïve over-promising, yes?

Ahem.

So why have I been so quiet these past few months? I was wondering this as I was running tonight. Sometimes I get quiet when things are not right in my life. But that certainly hasn’t been the issue lately. Behind the scenes, I’ve been doing battle with some old, formidable demons. And uncharacteristically, I guess, I haven’t felt much like talking about it.

What flavor demons, you might ask? A variety, really, but the major one is the beast that has plagued me from the earliest time in my memories. I have struggled with an eating disorder for what feels like this entire lifetime. It has often made it feel as if I go through life with one arm tied behind my back. It has been a nasty presence that has sat spitefully in the midst of every intimate relationship I’ve ever attempted. I am a masterful self-thwarter, and my hateful relationship with my body and food has been the most obvious outward manifestation of that.

But at some point, I just became so goddamned tired of it. Tired of feeling like shit—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—tired of beating up on myself, tired of keeping an invisible ‘kick me’ sign on my back. I got tired.

So I am fighting, and I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic when I say I’m fighting for my life. What that means is that I’m trying to treat my body like a friend in the way I feed it, and I am finally allowing myself to start feeling and looking like the strong woman I am, somewhere underneath all the fear and all the insecurity.

I’ve reached out to people and asked for help—because even though an unkind part of me thinks I should be able to do it alone, I can’t. I’m learning how to push through pain to do things that are really uncomfortable for me, because I have to in order to grow.

Here I am after my first 5k race (which was in June, so yeah—it’s gonna take a while to catch up on current events).




To paraphrase something I recently read in an incredible book by Laurence Gonzales called “Deep Survival,” that 5k was like a knife fight in a phone booth for me. Every one of my demons came out to play, and I nearly quit the race about 50 times (which is a lot, considering its relatively short length). But I didn’t. I was awfully slow, but I finished. And next time I’ll do better. I know this because tonight I beat my June time by 5 minutes. I’m learning, little by little, how to try harder even when I think I have nothing more to give.

Here I am on my first day rock climbing outdoors (also in June), in the Shawangunks in New York state.



It was about 47 times harder than climbing in the gym, which was surprising since I already thought that climbing in the gym was damn difficult. But this rock climbing thing, which seemed absolutely impossible when I started in January, becomes ever-so-slightly easier each time I do it. It teaches me how to be present in the moment, because I have no choice in the matter. It teaches me to slow down and examine all my options when my first approach doesn’t work. It teaches me to find a way to plant my feet firmly on the earth even when there’s no obvious way to do so, because without that foundation I can climb no further. It teaches me to push, to reach, to try, to find that one next step that will help me move forward when I don’t think I can.

I think a lot about what has changed, why I am able to get out of my own way now when I couldn’t before—mostly because I am terrified of going backward. I think part of the answer is that I have worked so hard for years to get to this point, and I was just ready. Part of the answer is that I have been fortunate enough to create a family of beautiful friends who keep me from falling down when I trip. Another part of the answer is that I met a strong, courageous, and altogether unexpected man just about a year ago who encourages me, loves me, and challenges me in a way that simply makes me want to be stronger, better, more loving in return. We physically climbed a mountain together in Africa, but I had felt for some time that we are figuratively climbing a mountain together as we challenge each other to be our best selves. Scott, I love you.




And I love you, folks. No promises about future bloggage—you know how that turns out—but I can try harder here too. Hope you’ll stay tuned.

Kate